I still remember the vibration of roof trembling noise
amid my mom and dad’s bitter exchanges –
at, of all places – my home.
The only place of warmth and love I’ve ever known.
I recall oh so vividly – little me…
still evolving, progressing, adjusting –
to the air I was breathing, unknowingly…
absorbing malicious words being said around me,
before I even was able to recognize the sound of my own heartbeat.
And even then, I couldn’t help but question –
why two people who hate each other so much
insist on staying together for an eternity.
C’mon – really?
That’s way too much time to spend being forcefully satisfied,
solely immersed in miserable company.
Forever is too long to willingly spend with closed eyes
and a battered heart –
only progressively aging with time
till’ it’s ripped to shreds, in microscopic pieces,
entirely scattered apart.
When they committed to be wed, there’s a reason –
they mutually agreed, nodded their head and both verbally said,
For better or for worse,
till death do us part.
Till death do they part –
in more ways than one.
People aren’t destined to belong to other people anyway.
The thought of that is so…
overrated, harmfully glorified and romanticized.
Somebody tell me why,
are we all so damn lonely and deluded that we oblige…
to enable other human beings to not only refer to us,
but claim us as “mine”.
I have yet to embrace this absurd concept of being in a relationship.
I could never bring myself to understand it… let alone immerse myself in it.
Heaven knows I have tried.
But regardless of how many conclusions I come to,
I know I’m destined to misinterpret or abandon it,
Just like the concept itself, it’s merely a waste of precious time.
Especially when there’s so much more
to strive for, caress, and conquer
than another human being.
Maybe, it’s just me –
with this closed off, yet vacantly open mind.
I’m the only person my age
who is authentically focused on chasing dreams,
mind set on reality – above deluded fantasies.
Oh, the irony.
a result of the fact that I spent a lifetime watching my mother be dominated by a man who believes he is in control of her
every word, breathe, movement and action.
I’ve had no choice but to sit back idly,
as he knocks on the bathroom door until his knuckles bleed
just to get to her on the other side –
who was likely glaring at her reflection silently…
attempting to collect the remains of her sanity.
She knew she had an obligation to set the example for her youngest baby, little me.
And rightfully so,
I’ve never stopped watching the queen herself
collect pieces of her crown that the man she loved, shattered across the ground.
After reliving the aftermath on the daily –
Nobody can ever tell me,
nor dare to attempt to convince me,
that I owe anyone an apology for refusing
to grant them access to my sacred heart.
Mark my words,
after all it has observed –
I will be damned if I ever dare allow a man to have the
audacity to label me as his property,.
I will never owe anyone an apology for openly,
enunciating the words to him thoroughly,
I belong to me.
This, should be common knowledge.
But common sense is unfortunately, far from common.
Ignorance is caressed with open arms far too often.
I refuse to let ever let the world get the best of me.
out of all the vulnerable words I release into the galaxy –
you won’t hear me say sorry.
Especially not when I’ve had men old enough to be my father verbally harass me,
broad daylight in the streets of the insomniac city –
with what it supposedly deemed to be complimentary.
Uncomfortably whispering in my ear,
Baby, come here…
While I’m begging internally for them to not dare step any closer to me.
Why can’t I ever just reach my destination peacefully?
Without having to increase the pace of my walk due to my ever increasing anxiety?
I would love to breathe the air around me graciously,
without my heart rate skyrocketing instantaneously.
In that context, being called beautiful is no longer classified as chivalry –
it is defined appropriately, as misogyny.
I must admit –
after I unlearned what this society had previously taught me…
I was able to recognize that I,
have more to offer than my thick thighs and a 36C sized chest.
Yes, better believe that even then…
I am so much more.
I have passion, depth, and intriguing intellect.
don’t ever be surprised that I refuse to ever settle for less than the absolute best.
I deserve not the world, but the entire universe.
And even then, I wouldn’t ever necessarily depend on a man to give that to me.
I am not eye candy, I am soul food.
Cooked tenderly and deliciously, but not so easy to digest.
Since I have grown,
I have come to recognize that
I am a masterpiece of the rarest quality in my own bones –
I am a queen on the throne, even if I willingly sit up here all alone…
with no hand to grasp for dear life but my own.
It’s not you,
I’ve just… never been with anyone other than myself.
I’m unconsciously, yet intentionally hard to love.
Don’t take it personally. It’s not, it’s me.
Understand my perspective.
I have to protect myself unapologetically.
Because if I don’t- nobody else will.
I take immense pride in my blind optimism, hopeless devotion, and delusional expectations.
I have faith someone somewhere,
eventually someday – potentially,
in another kingdom far far away… will reach them.
Just like my dreams which reside among the stars in the sky –
nothing has ever fueled me more than aiming for the impractical.
I only ever seem to want what’s forbidden,
as mutual as then men brave enough to pursue me, oh so respectfully thirst driven.
I have a guilty pleasure for the man with passion running in his veins,
and a burning flame in the core of the chest.
The one who strums my pain with his fingers,
kills me softly with the song he composed yet doesn’t know the words to,
tucks at my heartstrings with purpose and devotion.
there’s nothing more attractive
than the unstoppable heart with a mission.
There’s this unorthodox infatuation I have
with the man who won’t ever reciprocate the
vibes I’m omitting,
nor return the energy I’m giving.
It’s unhealthy but I truly,
only ever ache to make love with the impossible.
When he was reaching out to hold my hand,
I didn’t interlock my fingertips with his when it was right there to grasp.
But once he strung someone else along with the proper chords,
I found myself craving him desperately.
I realize I only want what I can’t have…
human interaction, affection, and attention.
It’s as evident that the environment I was raised in –
is entirely to blame for my unconscious quivering hands, shaky knees, and crippling social anxiety.
Only heaven knows why…
I’m so obsessed with the hypnotic colors of the sky, rhythm and rhyme, overthinking, daydreaming about flying,
and killing precious time with words that don’t mean anything yet simultaneously mean everything.
I can’t help but question everything in existence,
all the little aspects previously claimed to be obvious –
have I always been physically incapable of looking another human being in the eye?
it’s because the mere thought of giving anyone the power to cease my vulnerability –
let alone allow them to know it actually exists,
sends goosebumps igniting down my spine.
And no, not the beautiful kind-
more along the thin line of love and hate, intriguing but chilling.
The kind that provokes your bones to internally scream, physically ache.
I’m always trying to pretend that I am authentically as brave as I am in my visions.
I’m terrified to let anyone see that I might not be as brave as I visually seem
or portray myself to be.
If they knew,
would they use my weaknesses against me?
Or would they accomplish the impossible task
of loving me unconditionally in the same
instance only my mom barely can?
I’m scared to embrace new people in my life because of the way
they scarred me previously.
they left my veins bleeding golden stars –
leaving trails of evidence along the vacant yet,
crowded hallways of my rib-cage.
I was bullied mercilessly, underestimated and targeted for as long as I could breathe.
As much as I try to make it seem so otherwise,
these trust issues of mine only seem to amplify with time.
No matter how strong I evolve,
the adolescent in me will eternally be traumatized.
Since they’ve blocked out the morning sunrise,
I haven’t been able to let anyone
close enough to me to keep an acquaintance,
let alone a sincere friend.
So, the real question I ask myself is…
Will I ever be capable of handling a full blown relationship?
All I ever really need… is someone to listen to me.
I have so much love to give away, with nobody who wants to let me in.
So… who is doing who wrong?
Is it me?
Or is it them?
They’re lacking empathy,
they refuse to attempt to understand me.
They won’t even come remotely close enough to
discover the heart that resides up my sleeve.
They will only ever always, distort the vision I see so clearly.
I need space.
Wait, come back –
please love me.
Don’t go away.
did I just say that?
Never mind –
I don’t need you.
No, I’m not.
Fuck an apology.
I am complicated.
Even my ego is woman enough to admit –
nobody deserves to be the one who loves me enough to obligate themselves to deal with me… this… travesty with a barely there heartbeat.
Do us both a favor and leave me alone.
I can handle myself on my own.
being by my own side doesn’t make me glow nor blush –
it isn’t as heavenly as brushing shoulders with you unconsciously
Nothing in the universe compares to the intriguing feeling of butterflies violently communicating with each other on the inside of me when we accidentally touch.
It seems that since we met,
he is never not my first thought in the morning.
For the past 365 days plus,
I am both astonished and ashamed to say that I’ve thought about him every single day even on those of which he doesn’t dare acknowledge my existence.
As much as it brings me much light and shade,
I’ve tried to erase him from my memory too many times only because
I know, somebody more significant than me has already taken up the vast majority of the space in his brain.
She has amplified his heartbeat, send it skyrocketing in the way I almost did.
It’s such a shame that that we woke up from this dream before
we even got to rest together peacefully,
be one with each other in perfect harmony.
The way it unraveled isn’t how it was meant to be..
Don’t put me through this anymore,
delete my number,
don’t text me or try to come back for me anymore.
if you ever leave –
promise your being will subconsciously look for me in your next.
May this not come across as overly pretentious, but I can only dream that you’ll imagine it’s me when she’s tracing her fingertips along the masterpiece of your chest.
Even if you forget, please remember me.
As long as we continue to grow apart together separately,
I hope you find enough peace to finally exist, happily.
Keep me embedded in your mind, heart, soul, and loving memory.
I wish I never let you
get inside my head and yet,
I’m so thankful you did.
You opened my mind to a point where I now
see the world around me in a way I never did.
You really should be so proud of yourself.
Even though you didn’t unlock the opportunity to hold my hand,
you accomplished something even more unlikely –
You managed to make me think of someone other than myself.
I only saw stars in your eyes
because you was the innovator –
the first being in this otherwise dim world who dared to take
notice of my essence,
acknowledge my existence,
absorb my insight,
appreciate my intellect,
yet alone actually…intensely, listen.
The impossible was what he did.
We lost and found ourselves amid
our subtly loud exchanges and silent devotion –
between the thought provoking words unspoken,
with everything and nothing out in the open.
I imagine how our heartbeats would’ve synced beautifully, if we had only first met on that lustful evening in July.
But we didn’t, all because I refused and denied,
restricted by my pride…
I was terrified.
I knew I was going to fall in… love.
Whatever that is – I wasn’t ready for it.
Therefore, I obligated myself to ignore any and all emotions for you.
I laid in my bedroom gazing at the ceiling with starlit eyes all summer long –
hopelessly wishing to be caressing you by my side.
Feeling like Juliet writing love letters I would never send to the guy I was meant to be with,
but could never reach… without it being complicated.
I was left with nothing but pieces of poetry he influenced,
held hostage up in my sleeve
that you never even earned the opportunity to read.
The first one I ever wrote was written with tear stained fingertips, composed in subtle script, the initial excerpt of this trilogy began and ended like this –
yet so far.
You’re right here with me,
but I’m not where you are.
Where do we –
I mean…Where do I go from here?
Is it really this complicated? Or am I just making it like this?
Is it really this intense? Or am I just diving in too deep?
Is it just me? Do I speak my mind too often? Or not enough?
Is it because I’m both narcissistic and deeply insecure?
Is the reason I don’t know how to approach and react because
I’m the most complex combination of intro and extrovert?
I am a walking, talking, breathing, thriving contradiction –
I’m the human form of Pandora’s box
that has yet to ever be opened by anyone,
yet is always unlocked –
spilling ink, exposing information I shouldn’t.
I crave touch yet I flinch whenever someone has found the audacity
to approach me close enough.
My perception of love always has been distorted.
I grew up learning to believe I was supposed to tolerate abuse because
if a man loves you,
He’ll tell you that the door is always open for you to go,
But once you’ve finally had enough and your bags are packed –
he’s releasing the demons from his lungs,
provoking you further, yelling
Go ahead and leave –
You will never find someone who will love you like me .
I was convinced by the age of 5 that romance was alive
when two people despise each other enough to barely tolerate living together but being unable to live without each other.
If a man cares about you deeply,
he will immerse you in the twisted art of reverse physcology.
Manipulating you on the daily and make it seem like it’s done lovingly,
rather than maliciously.
I don’t know how to love.
But then again, who really does?
To be or not to be? Love or hate? Infatuation or lust? Empowered in the midst of isolation or together anticipating the inevitable separation?
In the end, we will all leave this world alone with nothing.
Unfiltered reality of it all is, each of our hearts will inevitably, unpredictably com-bust.
All we are ultimately left with is memories of what we
done but didn’t.
Do or do not, you will regret both.
So, we may as well just shatter ourselves to pieces with purpose –
while we still have the chance to.
Spare our hearts to someone, anyone-
who is willing to take it away from us
and grant them permission to recklessly tear in two.
I’ve got an open mind now.
I can see how and why people love the adrenaline rush they get from experiencing
their blood pressure intensify.
I understand how they are able to see beauty amid caos after losing all of the
sane sight in their eyes. But I see it now – love sincerely is, blind.
We’re all just going to leave this earth without our significant someone –
go our separate ways up into the galaxy and transform to stardust.
So, We may as well approach life boldly,and embrace every ounce of spontaneity we suppress within before our bones decay.
Why or why not? Should I, Could I, Would I? Does he love me, need me, want me, not?
How many flower petals will I sacrifice in exchange for answers before I’m able to sleep at night?
How about this… let’s all just welcome whatever love may come
and let go of whoever doesn’t care enough to stay.
Has it really been this simple all this time?
It’s only as complicated as we make it.
I truly believe, I’m ready now.
I will learn how to love someday.
Until then, I will wait as long as necessary.
I won’t disturb the universe.
In time, we’ll see.